Random Nigeria Stuff

You go wound o!

Whoa! Grad school and work is a deadly combination I tell ya. I meant to blog about random Naija stuff this weekend until my homeboy Diara from Senegal somehow found his was into my blog spot.
Its okay, Its cool, I’ll give him the spotlight he deserves. Stressed out as I was on Saturday, I turned onto my PS2 lashing out on Cameroun on this soccer game called Winning Eleven. I was Nigeria and the computer was Cameroun and I helmed the computer up. I’m talking about the game was like 4-0 and I was having a good time until the phone rang. It was Diara. He called from Kansas State University to insult me. This nigg…I mean this “dark-noire black” dude from Senegal is on serious ganja for real. He threatened that Senegal will send Nigeria packing from the African cup of Nations. I wanted to get to him through the phone and smack his mouth shut but wouldn’t wanna waste a good ‘ol ass-whopping on him. This beat-down has Pierre, my friend from Cameroun, written all over it. Quite frankly, that’s the only team in that tournament that I’m worried about. HOWEVER, I felt it was necessary to set this guy straight. So I went on search of the materials that I needed for this guy.


So Diara, here’s your 15 minutes of fame okay. They call your Senegal National team “Teranga Lions”…hmm, well I call them “Teranga Cubs”. I have the right tool to shave your mien so we can see just how small your team is.

Look Diara, you should feel privileged that I am using this machete to shave your mien. The last time I used it was on a good team like Cameroun

You see this boot?

Get used to it because it’s gonna be all up in your team’s ass come Tuesday.

O before I forget, I have your flight itinerary for Wednesday Morning:

Departure time: Airline Sosoliko flight 419 departs Cairo, Egypt at 4:00 am for Dakar, Senegal.
Arrival time: Arrives Dakar whenever, I don’t know.

Homeboy, we had a pact that we wouldn’t speak to each other about this tourney until its all over but you just can’t wait patiently for your ass whopping. Aiight, this is how its gonna be. Its gonna be bloody on Tuesday. I mean, your team gat the Super Eagles on a bad day. Revenge in a mofo and we’re sure gonna beat your team for that little slip up we had in Mali 2000. Here, I have a poster for your wall. Better yet, put it on your desktop wall paper:

I'm sure you've seen them in you nightmares before. Well Deja Vu!

No be me o

Now that I’ve put this dude in the right place, I’ll like to take ya’ll to a place in Portharcourt city called Stodiez. Its along Abacha Road in Portharcourt. This joint is one of many fantastic spots in the city. Lots of peep always coming through for some fun. The DJ is off tha hook, and there is a resident ‘aboki’ for endless supply of suya. So one evening, some of my boys and I went to this spot to chill. It was early evening, the temperature is just perfect. Ladies, looking like damsels everywhere (I just noticed them o. I no touch any booty). Fellas trading their latest hook line just to get lucky for the night. The vibe was right. I mean that spot makes you feel ire, ya man. The DJ was blazzin' the new tune "Bizzy Body" by this R&B group in Nigeria:

....I just dey with my friend from America wey get money

and for my front na esi-ewu and turkey

plenty bobos just dey make their noise (heeey!)

enough chicitos just dey make their choice (one more please)

as I dey wash my hand

everybody begin to run....

- P Square

So my high school hommie Didia, nick named Pastor, came to the scene, flashing his new Land cruiser. So I asked him why he was late.

Me: Didia, whats up men? You are doing it big o.

Didia: Well thank you my broda.

Me: So wetin take you long time to reach here? You called me like 3 hrs ago that you’d be here in 15 minutes.

Didia: Men, I wanted to be here as soon as I could but on my way out of the church, I noticed Satan crying at the foot of the steps. I walked over to him to inquire about this unusual scene.

Didia: Satan, what are you doing over here crying? You know Jesu (Jesus) will be upset if he sees you here. The last time you came close to this place, 5-0 gave you a ticket for trespassing. Whats the deal with you men?

Satan (still sobbing): I want to see Jesu, I really have to see him…sniff..sniff!

Didia: Why?

Satan: Because everything wey happen, dem go blame me. Babangida thief money, dem blame me, I no talk. Abacha do him own, dem blame am on me. Still,I no talk. Now Alameyesia don do him own, Jesu called me yesterday to tell me that it was all my fault. If I was involved on these embezzlement, don’t you think that I would have made enough money to move out of hell?...sniff..sniff.

Men we all went berserk, laughing our asses off.
So this girl from Somalia, a waitress at this spot, came to take our order. My friend Grant wanted to spit game to her because she was ridiculously pretty but the chic didn’t give him a time of the day. Of course Naija boys will always find something to say. Didia was like:
“Leave this girl alone. You no know sey that girl is so close to God, she could touch his long white beard.”

“How do you know that,” I asked.

“Look this girl has been starving all her life. I mean she’s been starving for a better part of the past 25 - 30 years. Jesus did it in 40 days and 40 nights but I bet you, this girl has that record smashed over and over. All she needs to do is to add prayer to that long starvation and Walla, she will be in the sight of the lord.”

The word of the day is “Flash”

Now here’s an important one for those of you who will travel to Nigeria in the nearest future. I guarantee you that this will save you at least one hundred bucks. As you know, Nigeria is one of the largest cell phone markets in the world. The reason to this is that they have no calling plans. What they have is this pay as you talk thing. That shit is expensive as hell.
So Nigerians devised a means to get around it. This is what they call 'flashing'. Flashing is when someone has just enough credit to dial a number. When he calls you, he'll cut off the phone at the precise moment before he gets charged for their credit, The idea is that you will call back and he doesn't get charged for the call.

By the time I realized it, I had made phone call worth over 200 dollars in 5 days. So I had no choice but to master the art of “Flashing” Now, I cannot get it out of my system. Like last night I was looking for my cell phone because I was on my way out. Instead of calling the phone so that I can find it when its ringing, I flashed my dammed self. And then I sat there wondering why my phone hasn’t called me back. So keep this in mind, it will save you some money for real. It was Didia who inquired about my sexual eploits in Nigeria.

Didia: "Igo, as you carry your big body come, na so you go carry am go back America?"

Me: What do you mean?

Didia: look, I've known you for many years now. Don't turn this good boy thing on me. If you no fit get babe, I go fit take you go one joint for GRA so that we go get 'rent a friend' for you. We no dey call dem ashawo again for here o. We don modernize their title now. We call them 'rent a friend'.

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS GROUP CALLED ‘P-SQUARED’? I’ll blog about these fellas later. This R&B group in Nigeria is off tha hook.