The first thought that came to me when I saw this animal was ‘over-grown lizard’ and then ‘creepy’ followed. Then we were told that the speed limit around here is 25 mph. For a split second, I thought I was in a Flintstone movie. That is like crawling speed for a ‘James Bond’ like me. The reason for the low speed limit is because the Cuban Iguana is an endangered specie. At this point, I was like sho! Endanger ke? Let them die now. After all, back in stone age when they were a lot bigger than humans, they used to eat our flesh for lunch and use our bones for tooth-pick. They didn’t set up and environmental protection agency to stop the dwindling number of humans. Now the tables are turned and we a protecting them.
One thing about the Cuban Iguana is that you don’t feed it no matter what. When you feed an Iguana, the next time it sees you, it will chase you down. If you don’t feed it then, it will snap at you. Sometimes, they’ll bite the hell out of you. Believe it or not, there have been quite a few incidents since I arrived here. I mean these things come at u at the beach for crying out loud.
Call me cruel but if I where to decide their existence, I will annihilate every single one of them.
For real fellas think about it for a second. Imagine yourself and this fine ass chic at the beach. You get lucky and before you could say “What!’ suddenly u are inside her tearing that punani up. And then this hungry-disgruntled Iguana approached you from your behind. U can’t see it because you are busy breaking this shawty’s back but the Iguana has zeroed in on your hairy left nut long before you took your second stroke. It bites you and clamps to your nut like a vice grip.
You flip to the high heavens with the Iguana firmly attached to your nuts while u are running up and down the beach.
Don’t forget about the poor girl who is totally freaked out because at this point. She feels she may have walked into Michael Jackson’s “Thriller’. Isn’t that shyt just plain embarrassing? Tell me, how do you call the ambulance? What will you say to them?
You: Operator, my nuts o!
911 Dispatcher: Huh!
You: Look – aw-awwww! There’s-aw-an Iguana clipped to my left nut.
911 dispatcher: (perplexed at this point) – Sir, are u okay?
You: No, hell no! I was having sex at the beach with my girl friend and this Iguana bit my left nut from behind.
911 dispatcher: ( laughing at this juncture thinking this is possibly a prank call) – Sir, I’m afraid I may have to hang up now. You have a nice day. We only take emergency calls at this unit. Right now, you may be in the way of a true emergency call.
You: mad as hell – look oga operator, this is a serious –aw-aw- matter o. (You didn’t realize the whole time that there was a big sign posted on the beach entrance “NO SEX AT THE BEACH AT ANYTIME!”
911 dispatcher: Sir do u need help.
You: Duh! Of course –aw—aw, yeasssssssss!
Dispatcher: Where are you sir?
You describe your location and hope to Ambulance arrives quickly.
And then there’s the hospital episode. Your nurse is chuckling on the inside and you don’t even know it. She’s trying hard not to burst out laughing but on the inside, she is rolling on the floor laughing at you and your Iguana still attached to your left nut awaiting the doctor to arrive for a surgery.
Check this out. The girl is your girlfriend’s best friend whom you have denied of having an affair with repeatedly.
How do you explain that to your girl? How can you explain that to your friends? You know they gonna clown at you all year long.